sometimes i just wonder...

if i say too much.
if i hurt too much.
if i assume too much.
if i talk too much.
if i need too much.
if i want too much.
if i love too much.
if i hate too much.
if i force too much.
if i patronise too much.
if i expect too much.
if i talk too much.
if im too difficult.
if im too strong willed.
if im too stubborn.
if im always misinterpreted.
if im always going to be misunderstood.
if im always take people granted.

these are questions that i have yet to answer. and it bothers me really, how i can be so much of a pain in the ass and not even realise it. i realise,today, that i've been acting like the whole world revolves around me.

now, who am i really to have forced you? really, i wonder. sometimes i wish i dont say anything. i should be happy with what i have you know. i know you so much,that i could even realise what you were thinking at that very moment.

i hate that i know you so well.

and however much i pray that what you were thinking wasnt true, and even if it werent true, the fact that, that particular thought had already crossed my mind...indeed worries me. have i just been in denial all along?

i surprise myself sometimes, how i force myself to associate with people im not fond of. and ive had conversations with you about it, you've often wondered, i realise.

i found my answer. forgive me for sounding hypocritical, but thats life, and its inevitable.

these people, unlikeable as they are, are unavoidable. i wondered why i bear so much dislike for people, but then i realise, the problem, lies with ME. genius,aish.

if i had continued to concentrate on each and everyone of your(people's) flaws, and blame all faults on people, then it only goes to show, that the problem, indeed..is me.

fact is, i've been struggling to come to a realisation. i knew this all along, as usual, afraid to admit.

im ashamed,
to have shown the ugly,needy side of me.
to have wasted your time. entirely,not only for today's episode.
to have taken you for granted.



my insecurities, have led to my downfall.
my dependancy has led to my own failure.


i am not surprised by the way i acted earlier, that was just the ugly side of me waiting to come out. i am simply not pleased easily. i expect so much out of you, i feel like ive stretched you to maximum capacity. it must be difficult bein my friend, my homie. mental and emotional torture even perhaps. it must be exhausting.

no, this is not a post on self pity.

its just me,finally realising things arent as easy,or as simple as they can, or could be.

its almost as though i want it to be written in stone, that you'd be there for me 24/7.
why?simple.


i lost one already. i just am not ready to lose another one.


i've been feeling really insecure and lost without her,she's just been around so much, that i expected the same out of you.

and that was wrong of me. really wrong. you're different.

i sincerely apologise, i really really am sorry, never been this sorry before.

i just hope you forget this.

i know i cant erase that thought that crossed your mind, that thought that was left unspoken as we both know (at least i think i know what you were going to say) would be dire if said.

neither can i let you say it out loud, im too afraid to hear it from you anyway, it'll be the rudest awakening.

but i'll work hard, hopefully i can make things right with you again, homie.



and i miss you too jo, if you see this. =]