sweet cherry.

sometimes you wonder if life will pass you by with the rate time is going by.
i try my best to take time to treasure every sparing minute i have with my friends, my classmates.
and try not to expect the same. we all have alot on our minds. but sometimes it just bothers me, how the business of others can fascinate one so much. i am one, guilty of such trivial insignificant pleasures in my life. knowing about something, being part of some crowd, somehow makes you feel important, loved, included.

and then sometimes when you arent, you begin to feel like you are alone. my question is why.why is it that its some form of human instinct to feel bothered when you arent let in on some form of gossip, or arent invited somewhere, or not important enough? just instigates you.ouch hand cramps. this feeling is vivid in ma mind, first started when i was in primary school, when sophia didnt tell me what she was whispering to joleen.

its come to a point where you dont want to bother. there are many days where i just dont. im improving from the curious 6 year old i was. progress, isnt that what we all aim for? i was in class today, trying to stay awake, didnt sleep as much. progress. didnt talk as much, progress? i can feel myself changing, i can feel others changing, growing, our relationships changing.

do we want it to change?i dont really like change. coming to CJC was a stepping stone, i learnt how shallow and how generous i can be when i want to, ive been stretched to my limits, tolerance. ive become somewhat a better person, but im very much aware of how my surrounding treats me, and it bothers me of how unappreciative i am.

im able to tell how people react and why they react in such ways. im able to predict how the day would be with my someone. has my decision made my life so darn predictable? i love my classmates, they are a hoot. but would we remember each other after these two years. are there memories with EVERY SINGLE ONE of my classmates that i can hold dear? do i have the next year to get this done, and move on? do my classmates feel the same way.. hmm?

sometimes you say things you dont want to say, you hear things you dont want to hear, but thats life right? you say you dont mean it when you actually did, you hate it when people look down on you when you fall down once. you hate it when people put you down for your failures and dont applaud you for your success. is it just me here?

i shouldnt be thinking so much, ive embarked on this journey of constant self reflection,hoping to somehow conquer this sudden behavioural problems ive been having. if ive been spending more than just enough quality time with you, please do know that im trying to learn from you. i look up to you and somehow someday hope to be just like you.

perhaps if i went through the other path of tertiary education things would be different. shallower, hedonistic thoughts perhaps. but then again i always have, always will be a self motivated skeptic. if i dont go through this phase now, of critiquing every move i make, my friends make, then id prolly go through it later.

so much drama in my life, without it... hmm... nah. i wouldnt trade it for the world.


did i mention, im always thinking about you. even as i type this. i wonder how you over at 409.
i really miss my secondary school friends right now. mainly kenneth, ulfred and leeyen. cause i know, it wont change.